After six hours in my office cleaning up files where I had to make a pile of sponsor dropouts I was disturbed. The feeling of failure wrapped around me like a cashmere blanket and no matter what I tried I couldn’t remove it. It was so stifling hot I began to sigh heavily and often just to relieve myself of its heat. Craig came home and said, “what’s wrong?” I knew I wasn’t hiding my state of being very well. I’m not one to cover up how I feel anyway. I subscribe to letting the emotions go and get them exercised out. It’s unhealthy to let negative emotion build up. He encouraged me, hugged me, and kicked me in the pants too.
Two in the morning I tossed and turned for hours with a stream in my mind of all the hopes dashed, hurts inflicted, and sadness spread. I sighed over and over again not realizing it. Craig said, “honey are you ok? You are sighing a lot. Spoons?” Yes.
I sat in my quiet time knowing it was best to just write to God how I feel. And then after I poured it out, I opened my bible, I figured any word would do, I am desperate for anything He can offer me. My bible fell open to Hebrews 10, and I thought to skip ten and go straight to the eleventh chapter because I know it is the hall of faith and perhaps I could feel encouraged by the reminder of great faithful ones of God. But I read ten first and I am so glad I did.
The title: “A call to Persevere” caught my attention. It was exactly what I needed. After reading what God will do to those who trample the Son of God underfoot it transitioned to a passage that seemed to be written directly to how I am feeling right now.
I’m going to meditate on and memorize this passage until all my heavy sighs go away and are replaced with the more familiar spring in my step that I happen to be missing lately:
Hebrews 10:35-39 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back I will not be pleased by him.” But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.