At that moment I wanted to pose the question to God, “why me?” I’m not qualified for any of this work we are trying to accomplish in Uganda. People get university degrees to do this work. I didn’t go to seminary. There are PhDs who would be stumped by some of our obstacles. There are people who have much more financial ability to do what we endeavor to see accomplished for the kingdom of God here on a little patch of fertile red dirt on a continent around the world from where I live, in a culture I’m connected to but struggling to understand.
I just had to have a hearty laugh that winds up with a few tears behind it. I’m not sure why it’s me that God put in this role. I’m certainly not complaining or entertaining any regret. I actually come alive in these adventures. I’m just struggling to be worthy of the calling. I’m concerned that I stay firmly on the narrow path set before me by God. I’m afraid there will be too much Tonya and not enough God in the decisions.
My faith is expanding. The strength that rises up surprises me. The support we receive is overwhelming. My resolve to stand firm against the enemy and look him in the eye is unwavering. When I open the bible and read I see neon signs on every page that tell the story I am living out right now. I’ve never been more dependent on God. I don’t have a plan for any of this. I have to wait on him to show me what to do next, where to go, who to touch, and when to move. I am changing at the deepest levels in myself.
My cherished comforts no longer comfort me. The life I once imagined we would work towards no longer appeals to me. There is a purpose in my life now that is so immense I can only cry out to God and beg Him to show me the steps forward. I feel the things of the world shed like skin.
There’s some common sense in asking, “why me?” But in some ways like Esther in the bible, I feel like maybe I was created for such a time as this. As long as I keep my eyes on God, humble myself, work hard, obey, surrender to Him, and seek His will. I want God’s will accomplished through Kirabo Seeds. That’s all I want anymore. So in a way, my deepest prayer is being answered as I cry out routinely, “God help me want what you want for me.” He is faithful.