I want to go to Uganda now and I want to journey with the person who will help me gather children who can come under the care of Kirabo Seeds. I want it so bad I ache, tremble, and get that blazed look in my face. And my feelings are so strong I feel captive to them.
Feelings are messy things. They can act like a heavy blanket and wrap up all the brains and holy spirit I’ve got working for my cause, and keep them from participating in important decisions. I was reading something where the author proposed a decision making process as a 10/10/10 approach. Which means how will the decision I feel the gut push me towards be realistic in ten minutes? How will that decision affect my life in 10 months? How will I live with the decision ten years from now? That’s good and practical advice, but for me it leaves out some critical consideration for God’s will for my life. When I want something so much I immediately don’t trust myself. I need to be careful of where I put my energy because so many people depend on me, so I don’t want to waste valuable time and energy. But more importantly I have walked too many lonely roads where I went my way and it wasn’t God’s will for my life. He never left me, but he did wait for me to look up and say, “hey, where am I? Where am I going? Why did I go this way?” I always sense him lead me back to the place where it is He wants me to be. I feel like I am getting too old for detours. So before I consider an impulse I am prayerfully committed to searching the scriptures to make sure my desires don’t contradict God’s ways. I beg God for clarity, signs, and that unspeakable sense of “yes” in my soul that can only be the whisper of God. That’s the moment there is a flood of peace, and when the peace comes then I know I am not just going my own way.
Timing is important. I might be pining for “it” now, and feel secure knowing “it” is where I should keep my sights, but there’s still the “not yet” answer. It’s hard to walk steady and wait at the same time…especially when there are children wilting from hunger, losing the ability to fight disease, and worse of all suffering the loneliness of having not a single person on this earth who wants to love them and make them know God has made in His image, special, with purpose and significance. That’s why I get the blazing look and desperate feel in my heart. Children should not have to suffer. Don’t get used to that, please I beg you. Don’t look away, look deep into the sad empty eyes and pour some love in there.