I went to bed with an emotional exhaustion headache. Anyone know what that is, or is it just me? I wrestled with a big moral dilemma with our Ugandan endeavors while I drank my coffee, before the sun even thought about winking behind the trees. Then I had to say good-bye to Donny, who was catching his morning ride back to college. I am not usually quick to cry, ever. I might be quick to get mad first, but crying is for complete defeat.
There was this heaviness hanging around breakfast. Donny got up early and made eggs for his brothers before they all went to school. Jack spent ten minutes relentlessly begging him to wait until Sunday to go home, until I had to intervene on his pushy manipulations. I sat down with Donny for breakfast and we had a little step around the issue chat about the things we did over the holidays together. Neither of us wanted to say what we knew. It was time to say good-bye. I came up with one more thing he could help me with, and then and while he showed me how to use the vcr in the casita I let it all out.
I hugged him tight and told him how much I enjoy him as a person. We can argue, get on each other’s nerves, and feel friction, but we can also laugh hysterically, know what the other is thinking with a glance, and finish each other’s sentences. We both go deep into thought and wrestle ideas until they are pinned, and we feel so deeply. And we care deeply about each other’s feelings.
It’s just so amazing to reach this point in parenting when friendship is a possibility. It shouldn’t hurt to send him on his way, this has been the goal. I hear Craig’s voice telling me that again and again. But it hurts and I can’t help myself.
I drove to the stables crying splashy tears, sniffling, and sighing. (Here I go again.) When I reached the stables I instantly knew why I’m loving riding. It’s good therapy. While I keep myself busy learning, getting a workout, and engaged in the moment’s activity of communicating with a horse, somewhere in my mind and heart my subconscious is working out all the details of my troubles and tucking them into a calm quiet place. So if I tell you that today I have two riding sessions scheduled it makes perfect sense. I better go get slip on my boots and chaps.