I hobbled to bed last night with streaks of black on my face and a sore belly from laughing. Doug and Erica are our friends from Scottsdale, they are here for the weekend. Erica knows me better than most, our friendship has spanned seven years and three moves, so she took one look at me and she said, “I’m worried about you.” I know, I am keeping a lot of balls in the air and my face can’t hide it. Let the term “terrible twos” speak for itself this week. However, I will say now that the office party is off my to do list, the load I manage suddenly feels more manageable.
And now that Doug and Erica are here visiting; well I’m going to make some laugh wrinkles, and that will be good for my soul. My boys swarm Doug and can’t get enough of his stories. He really has a valve for humor that seems to open fully when he is around us, and we love it. He’s an unpredictable guy. Erica and I agreed it might be better if she took him away during the party I was throwing for Craig’s staff. Then I confessed, I didn’t want Doug to steal my thunder. I anticipate with joy the occasion when the people who work for Craig meet me for the first time, because I surprise them. This is the sixth company in his career and every time I am allowed to spill my personality in their presence I can see it come over their faces, I know what they are thinking, “I can’t believe the Craig I know has such a spunky wife.” That’s because he’s straight forward, predictable, reliable, and steady. They must expect more of a mouse. I’m really an opposite of him, and a perfect fit. They see a side of Craig they never could have imagined…me, which means I had my reputation to maintain at this party. Despite being overwhelmed by my life in general, I pulled out the authentic fabulous, and I was smart to have the competition removed. I have to win this one, and with Doug around, I would definitely lose. When he found out we were having the office party here, he said, “do you think it would be ok if I clean your pool in my speedo?” Then he demonstrated the postures he would take to get the pool clean. Believe me he would do it.
It wasn’t long before the boys pulled him into their old pranks. Jack and Doug snuck into the brother’s bedrooms and put a handful of rice in the sheets, which Donny discovered and put on the bottom of Jack’s shower. Poor Kevin’s toothpaste is going to come out mayonnaise (use a syringe), and I think in the morning Doug will be missing all of his underwear (they could be wet and frozen in the freezer). It has been demonstrated that the crease of the elbow can resemble a butt if squeezed tightly and photographed correctly. So guess whose phone screen saver looks like a hairy butt? Mine. (thanks Jack) Speaking of butt crack stories, Doug provided another entertaining tale of how his swim trunks (that are similar to bike shorts) were corroded by chlorine and while he swam for an hour his booty traced a see through line above the water, horrifying the senior ladies in aqua aerobics.
And then there are the inevitable fart stories. For fun when Doug’s children were sevenish (they are freshman in college now) they would go to the grocery store with a fart machine and the kids would play like they did it when customers passed by and signal to Doug it was time to hit the remote, right when they tried to lift something heavy. They rode elevators with squishy slime that produced a significant sound when they stuck their finger inside, which of course they did when the most prudish person entered the elevator. They would ride an elevator at the mall up and down just to play this game on people. When I was a child farting was embarrassing, prohibited, and disgusting. I have been informed that this generation of children (mine) have discovered the humor in farting and produce a great blast on purpose for a laugh in public. Recently Donny was in a rock wall climbing contest at Baylor, and when he reached sideways ten feet up a surprise fart escaped, and girls below at the desk heard it. He nearly fell off the wall! My children confessed to farting in a quiet classroom! Though Kevin informed us it was best to hold it until you are in a sea of students in the hallway, then let it go and act innocent. He is smart to do that because his are offensively smelly. I wonder if the teachers can hide the urge to laugh. I know I can’t help but find the whole topic hysterical, especially in yoga classes. Come on, really the twisted bent over body is going to become a cannon, and it is my number one concern when I first step onto the mat. Doug and Erica took a yoga class together (wish I could have been there for that!) and someone else let one, so Doug whispers loudly to Erica, “was that you? Did you do that?” Of course the whole class of downward dogs fell over clutching their belly.
So, now you can see why Erica and I shuffled Doug away during our office party. And if you are ever on an elevator and you hear something disgusting, ask if anyone there is called Doug. Then say a prayer for his wife Erica, she’s really sweet, steady, and alot like Craig, and Doug purposely sits in her car smells it up then leaves that gift for her to discover later. That’s worse than letting one under the sheets.