I don’t talk about IT much. “It” being the major crisis happening with our nonprofit work in Uganda. The first reason is I am silenced by the lawyer’s advice. Rightly. The other reason is we are in a long dark shadow of waiting. Meanwhile my heart is breaking, and I can share my personal feelings as I finally have the time and space to process what I went through that week in Uganda during all the discovery. I am on the verge of tears in a fairly constant way these days. The boys around here might declare, “hormones”, which would be a naughty thing to say in my presence, so they just look a little worried for me. All the memories of good intentions at the beginning of our project continue to appear at the front of my mind. And now a year later I see how greed can destroy so much good. It’s awful to recall conversations that I can see now were flat out lies. These memories are all crowding me and pursuing me and pushing me down.
Yesterday we got news that our best cow who was pregnant lost the fetus. She is very weak and the vet says she cannot recover. If we slaughter her no one will buy the meat because she has been sick. She has to be put down. It is a terrible waste. I have heard over and over from people at the orphanage that when they asked for help for the cows they were refused. The cows were terribly neglected and a burden to the family who allowed them to stay on their property. This neglect has cost us more than the price of the cow. It was our hope to provide nourishing milk to the children. I can say I never heard from the children they ever received any of the milk. I have no idea where it went, and because they were pregnant they hardly produced milk for many months. We made a good effort to nourish the children, and now we have a dead cow. In my mind this has become a symbol of the whole project. I cannot bear the thought of losing the children we have come to love so deeply. My heart suffers a great pain for the loss of it all.
So, I had a meeting with myself after my kids went to bed last night. I am getting a grip, which means God’s word is in my tight fist. I will hold onto the truth God gives us in the bible, the promises, and the faith of my heart mind and soul. I won’t give up hope that there is “a new thing” God will do with us, Kirabo Seeds. Our hearts are for the cause of the orphan and God has put us in Uganda, he will not leave us barren. He will fill our arms with children who sincerely have no one, and we will not use them to our advantage. We will gather help for them; give them love, encouragement, knowledge of God’s word, education, and a hope for their future. We can work to protect the innocent children from people who seek to use them to satisfy their own ambition and greed.
I might feel knocked down. I may have been bucked off and sitting sore on the ground beside a horse I trusted. But I won’t stay down. I am in the bruiser girl club, which means I will get right back on that horse every time. This morning I was reading LivingLight, the devotional that we read at Herb and Ellen’s house every morning that became a direct word of encouragement and warning from the Lord as we went through our trials. (they’ve been reading it every morning their whole married lives) As soon as I returned to the US I ordered this book and it has served me well to help me focus my faith and be encouraged. Today Habukkuk 3: 17-19 reminded me…
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.
So, when I feel down I will repeat in my mind and meditate on the truth: “we serve a GOOD God and His love endures forever.” We will overcome. Psalm 136:1 “Give thanks to the Lord for he is good. His love endures forever.” And I will pray, ” Thank you for these lessons, they will equip us and make us stronger to do better work in the future, for your glory.”