Bonding with Kira.
There was a point in the drive home from the falls that I felt a bleeding inside, an agitation that required immediate attention because I was apart from her that day. Bonding is not an idea, it is not something on the to do list, it is something that the heart does without the mind getting involved. There was nothing that would have prevented me from getting up to see her last night. Leaving without her is increasingly difficult for me to do, in fact, I’m ready to make the vow like marriage that death alone will separate us.
I did not come here with a bonding agenda. It’s slippery like losing weight. Some people can shed pounds without much thought, others make it their life goal and never reach it. I arrived knowing it is what I would hope for, but I could not force it, control it or manipulate it. I kept a good eye out for it and accepted signs of progress with extreme gratitude. Her wide smile at recognizing me last night was salve for my internal bleeding. She must be feeling the bonding also. There’s something about the way we feel when we are together that hurts when we are apart, so reuniting is a mixture of relief, joy, and pleasure. We are falling in love. I have loved her since we were introduced to her with our referral. But this, this is entirely different, we are falling in love. I will commit to understanding who she is and encouraging her to be the unique individual that God has created her to be by providing an environment both physically as well as emotionally and socially to grow. She might be learning to trust me to know her unlike anyone else will be able to do.
I’ve fallen into baby love four times before. I wondered how it would go with an adoption. I didn’t want to set a preconceived, forced outcome. I hoped to allow an unfolding to occur in a natural way. I wouldn’t have felt bad if it took longer for the glue to set. I only hoped it would be as rich and deep and sure as when the bonding occurred with Donny who turned me into a mother the first time. And with Jordan we learned to bond and share eachother with a sibling. With Kevin we had eachother as the older boys continued their relationship and made room for a new brother. With Jack we bonded despite his fussy fussy ways so I would know for sure it happens even when the circumstances are difficult. With Kira, it’s this strange gradual stepping up a long climb where we rest apart. But as time continues we cannot tolerate the apart condition.
Tonight is the last night we will be apart. I’ve been granted custody of her by the baby home beginning on Monday. They have yet to set a firm policy of when we, as adopting parents are allowed custody. Perhaps it is very good that they are watching each individual case in its entirety before deciding when the child can go. They too can see the bonding of the heart that the mind cannot create. I will heave a heavy sigh of relief when she walks down this hill with me and we are not required to be apart. She is now a part of who I am.
I am a beneficiary of God’s unconditional love, as He is my model for loving her. I accept I will never get it right and perfect as he can do only He can ever be perfect and God for Kira. But he has sent me, asked me, allowed me to be the second best for her. I accept this responsibility wholeheartedly.