I have with held myself from going anywhere near a store that sells baby girl clothing. It would be too tempting and make the waiting all that more impossible to endure. Craig is itching to go buy baby “stuff”. We gave away all the baby thing s so we are starting from scratch again. ..crib, clothes, toys, stroller, car seat etc. I also feel like that shopping trip will be a source of great fun, but I can’t allow myself to go down that lane of frilly pink and bows with sparkle until I have a picture of our daughter in my hand.
Yesterday, however, I did find myself purchasing the first girl thing. I bought sleeping beauty and cinderella movies before they go into the “vault”. We never bought the princess movies, for obvious reasons. But when I saw cinderella on the cover of the movie, it brought back so many memories, I knew I would have to watch it with my daughter. It gave me tingles around inside my mind to have those movies in my possession. I will wait to watch them again for the first time with her, but that didn’t stop my mind from giving me dreams all night long.
I dreamt of my little girl in the first few days we had her. When she cried for me to come get her in her crib it woke me up and each time I was confused that a baby was crying. I had to remember each morning I was a mama again to a baby. I know mothering a baby will come back to me like a gush of water from the faucet, steady warm and cleansing. I think it will be great to have all my wits about me and not be a postpartem mess of hormonal tangles.
I prayed for my daughter that she’d be a sturdy character, with a stiff upper lip so to speak so she with our family can be rudders to change the direction of biased thinking. I have not one doubt that becoming an interracial family is something I should do. I believe it is what God has asked me to do. And i know he wouldn’t ask me if it wasn’t going to be good for me. So there.