Loneliness isn't a sin.

I welcome something old and solid like one of the trees on Baylor’s campus, so I can lean against it…trusting…knowing it will support me, or something stunning to gaze at  like a sunset to clear my head. My eighty pound dog is sitting in the chair with me now and leaning against me. I am her tree. My man calls on me every day to see if I’m having some fun. He is so good at loving me. It is good to know I am loved.

Boys come through the back door and go to the kitchen, they grunt hello to me as they lift and twirl baby girl frothy in pink tulle and glitter toms.  I know they love me, she’s just so much cuter than I am.

I watch the birds do gymnastics in the tree branches over my pool.  They sing more and more every day. I missed them. I see they agitate my cat, her tail is flickering. It is time to switch from hot to iced tea. I saw the new owner cleaning out the gardens I built in my old house.  My chest heaved, my head and shoulders drooped.  Nothing is mine for always.I prefer to close the shutter on harsh reality rather than shine a magnifying glass over it. Why did I drive by? I sorely miss my flowers.  I could build a new garden.

I think I will put it in Uganda.

I drive through my new neighborhood and down my street, I sigh, I don’t know anyone. I suppose that’s one of the main reasons I need my four legged friend whose back I can sit upon, and whose legs will fly over jumps and through the woods with me.  That’s better than a cute car and equal to a best friend.

I adjust well. I always make lemonade. But I think I’m lonely. Loneliness isn’t a sin. It’s just a long conversation with God.

Maybe I’ll cry. I’m learning it’s better than getting mad.

Phiona said I write better when I’m emotional.  Where’s the glue? I’m coming undone.

I don’t like having an enemy and that’s the real sore spot. It reminds me of middle school where the mean girls look too closely at my movements and twist my words like rope for my neck.

“You got enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something.” That’s what Churchill said anyway. It shortens my breath. I’d rather make everyone happy. I tried that and Failed.  It’s impossible. So at least I stood up for something.

What was it?

Orphan rights. Accountability. Integrity. Honesty. Justice. Those are worth it.

(she's not an orphan, she has a mom and is a neighbor of Abdul's) but isn't she gorgeous?

Feeling better now. See how I talk myself right out of a lonely place? The birds are taking a bath in my waterfall. It is 87 degrees on February 23. I love San Antonio. And it’s almost time to go to the stables.

About these ads