I can barely look at that title without having emotion gurgle up to my throat and water spill from my eyes.
When the boys were little one of their favorite books was, “We’re going on a bear hunt”. They loved all the wierd adventures the family went on until they met the dreaded feared Bear which scared them straight back through all the places they passed through to find it. With each adventure it always said “can’t go over it, can’t go around it, can’t go under it, got to go through it”. That’s where I am. This new adventure of sending the first one off to college is an emotional territory with a lot of pain waiting for me when it happens. I can’t get around it, I’ve got to go through it.
I’ve applied my creativity towards making the separating easier on my heart, but I haven’t come up with a single idea that works. Originally, when we began our adoption process it was supposed to be quick and we’d have Kira right now. That would help alot. But God knows I’ve got to go through it. Having Kira would distract me, sure, but that’s just a way around the pain of seeing Donny go. At some point I’m going to have to face it. There’s no avoiding the heartache. It’s just as well that I go through this corridor of sadness in my life so I have time and space to feel it deeply and put the spent feelings to rest. That’s the only way I know how to emerge stronger. Trials strengthen me. I don’t only know it, I believe it, so I have to submit to the trial before me and commit to being strengthened by it rather than flattened.
As Mom, and emotional thermostat for the family, it’s critical that I get myself through it before my younger sons go through it. They’ll need my wisdom and my strength. If I’m still a simpering mess I won’t be any help to them in their time of need. So by next Thursday I’ve got to be able to exude great joy over this new change and direction in our family’s story. That’s when it will hit the brothers, and I’ll have to use my hair to mop their tears, my heart to absorb their feelings and my eyes to watch their faces for signs that they need to talk even though they don’t know it.
Last Sunday in church I became overwhelmed with emotion. We had just arrived home from our big trip where we didn’t think about his going at all. While traveling we simply enjoyed the moments we occupied. Oh how I hope some day normal life can echo that way of spending the days of life. Being home suddenly felt like the clean up effort after a natural disaster or a crash landing. Maybe it’s like a train wreck where the engine hits a wall and all the other cars come smashing towards the pile. That’s been my week and I still am not caught up, but I think by tomorrow I will be able to sit down at the end of the day and believe I am current with my life.
That’s when I’m going to set a boundary and protect my schedule from any extra activity so I can give myself the time and heart space I will need to be alone with God. I’m going to need to read the comforting words in the bible to help me go through the emotion, the wisdom of Proverbs, and the love of Jesus. I plan to take long walks early in the morning with Lucy so I can pray. (gardening would be ideal but it’s too hot) I know God will cradle me through this so I can be at peace and feel joy. I will open my palms on Thursday and with sincere blessings give my son authentic freedom to go. It will be well with my soul. But first, God’s got a lot of work to do with me. Pray for me, will you?